


Not Okay / Demon's Blood and Foolish Choices / Get Back Up

by BSplendens



Series: Miscellaneous TF fics (mostly TFP), AKA where the completed TF bunnies live [6]
Category: Transformers:Prime
Genre: Angst, Betrayal of Trust, But no rhymes, But those two in particular, Dark, Dark Energon, Dark energon is bad for you, Do not use it, Gen, Gradual insanity, It's structured like poetry, Megatron's not okay either, Mental Disintegration, Mention of gladiatorial arena, No happy here, Nobody's okay after the war, Not Happy, Possible emotional numbness, Soundwave is not okay, Things are not good, This is kind of like poetry, Those two are not okay, but it's not really, i'm not sure what to call this, not at all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-08
Updated: 2015-05-08
Packaged: 2018-03-29 13:38:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3898309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BSplendens/pseuds/BSplendens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three semi-poetry things, plotbunnies that leaped on me. Not happy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Okay / Demon's Blood and Foolish Choices / Get Back Up

Soundwave doesn't cry.   
He learned very young that crying when you were hurt was bad.   
Crying when you were hurt showed weakness, and then you would be hurt more.   
If you were hurt, you had to get back up and make sure that it wouldn't happen again.   
If someone hurt you, you had to never let them see that you were affected by it. You had to make sure that they couldn't hurt you again.   
Soundwave knows that. 

He's wept for his lost symbiotes, quietly, curled up alone when the loss was still new and raw and painful.   
And that was okay, because the only people who knew were grieving as well.   
But that's it.   
He hasn't cried since he was very little. 

Sometimes, though,   
When the long-unused symbiote docks still tingle as if the little one had just left,   
When Megatron is raging and doesn't seem like any version of his former self,   
When there's yet more energon spilled over a planet long dead,   
He curls up in a little ball and   
Just  
Is sad. 

And sometimes he wonders if that's normal.   
Shouldn't he cry, when he's remembering the planet he helped to destroy?   
Shouldn't the memory of his lost little ones,   
The memories of kill after kill after kill,   
Life after life bleeding out in front of him,   
Shouldn't that do something? 

And is it a sign of weakness if the only other person who sees it already knows how you feel?   
And is it truly weakness to feel this way? 

Soundwave doesn't cry.   
And sometimes  
He wonders if  
That's normal.   
Sometimes  
He wonders if   
It means he's not okay. 

And then  
He doesn't have to wonder  
Because he remembers  
That no,   
Absolutely no,   
He's not okay. 

It's been a very long time since he was okay. 

The mask hides his face,   
Hides his emotions,   
Makes people fear him.   
It's a weapon, really, it makes him eerie and frightening.   
That's why he wears it.   
But sometimes  
Its only purpose  
Is to hide the fact  
That he's very much not okay. 

His spark is scarred in several places,  
Backlash from a broken bond.   
His frame is scarred in more,   
From wins and losses he can no longer count.   
Emotionless drone?   
No.   
Emotionally stunted?  
Perhaps.   
He doesn't know.   
He can't tell.   
But one thing is certain. 

Between the scars  
And the marks  
And the nightmares  
And the fears no one knows of  
And the losses  
And the kills   
And the way he barely maintains any sort of balance  
As his world staggers around him   
Despite the mask,   
Despite the facade,   
Despite the reputation and the fear he brings  
And the things he can accomplish  
Soundwave,   
Nightmare of Kaon,   
Is   
very  
much   
not   
okay.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

It was never a good idea, and he always knew it.  
Dark energon?   
More like madness solidified, demon's blood.  
But strength, too, strength he needed  
To do what had to be done,  
To win the war and save the remnants of their world.   
His mind was strained before that,   
Pulled in every direction by leadership of a violent army,   
By losses felt and horrors seen,   
By every reason he fights and by  
The desire  
To rule.   
His mind was crisscrossed already  
By hair-thin cracks and lines  
And the second it touched his spark chamber,   
The dark energon filled the crevices  
And it spread  
And twisted  
And warped,   
Picking away at his sanity   
Bit by bit  
Until he was no more. 

He always knew this was there.  
Despite the seeds of madness,   
Already blooming,  
He felt the demon stirring,   
Heard its whispers as it spoke  
Of blood and fear and terror and death and   
KILL THEM ALL  
TAKE WHAT YOU WILL  
THEY CANNOT STOP YOU  
YOU ARE STRONG  
YOU CAN BE STRONGER  
IF YOU GET THEM OUT OF THE WAY

But for a time, he thought he could win.  
He knew the monster was there,   
He thought he could keep it in.   
He needed the strength,   
Needed to live,   
Needed to rule.   
And every time he thought   
To pull it out,   
The monster whispered  
And begged  
And cajoled  
And soothed  
And reasoned   
Until he decided to leave it,   
Just for a bit longer.   
And somehow   
"A bit longer"  
Turned into forever.

Because eventually  
As the demon forced the cracks open wider  
And the warlord sank deeper   
The last little bit of him  
Looked the demon in the eyes  
And stopped resisting. 

The anger that was always there,   
The battle-lust,   
The hatred,   
Stayed and mingled   
And the demon  
Twisted his desires into sinister forms  
And began to destroy.

Overcome the Autobots to save Cybertron?  
CRUSH THEM AND MAKE THEM YOUR SLAVES.   
Keep the obedience of his crew?  
HURT ANYONE WHO DISOBEYS  
Maybe court a certain mech, once the war is over?  
TAKE WHAT YOU WANT, HE CAN'T FIGHT YOU

MERCY? HONOR?   
FORGET THEM, TOOLS OF THE WEAK  
KILL THEM ALL AND TAKE WHAT YOU WISH,   
YOU ARE STRONG AND GETTING STRONGER  
AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU SET HIM ASIDE?   
NOW THERE'S NOTHING TO HOLD YOU BACK

And somewhere, deep inside,   
Trapped in a cage of shards,   
Is curled the honor,   
The mercy,   
The trust,  
The kindness,  
Everything good from the old gladiator  
Who the world will never see again. 

It's too late now,   
He can't go back,   
If only he'd seen it sooner.   
When you let a demon  
Into your soul,   
They simply won't get out.   
You're stuck with them,   
And whatever you do,   
Whatever it offers,  
You keep fighting.   
If you don't,   
If you embrace the power,   
If you take what it gives you,  
You'll find,  
Sooner or later,   
You've let the rest of it in,  
And there's no way to get it out.  
You've trapped yourself in your own mind,  
In a cage of demon's steel,   
And by the time   
Anyone knows,  
You'll be gone  
And it will be too late to get you back. 

If only there was holy water for dark energon,  
Maybe they wouldn't be in this mess.  
Too bad that's not a thing,   
Well,   
As far as anyone knows. 

Too bad no one wants to admit  
Quite yet  
That Megatron is gone  
And a monster has taken his place.  
Too bad even  
His most loyal friend  
Can't confront the truth  
Until the demon strikes.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------

 

Soundwave always gets back up. It's something he learned in the Pit:   
No matter what happens to you,   
No matter how much you hurt   
Or how scared you are  
Or how much you want to crawl away  
Unless you want to die  
Slowly and painfully,   
You get back up  
And you kill whoever hurt you.   
If you don't get back up, you'll probably die.   
If not, they'll get a medic, one who either doesn't have sedatives or doesn't like them.   
And then...   
After you're patched up, they throw you in with the rest.   
And if you don't get back up then,   
You're their toy until you do.   
So unless you want to be hurt  
Unless you want to feel beyond terrible  
Unless you want to make yourself wonder why you didn't just die  
You.  
Get.  
Back.  
Up. 

So no matter what just happened,   
No matter what,   
Soundwave always gets back up.   
He's walked off the field with missing arms,   
With dripping wounds   
And torn-out cables  
And darkened optics  
And twice a missing fuel tank. 

The second time, he tore the organ out himself.   
He had no choice.   
Acid injected into his tank made him choose between being in more pain  
Or letting the acid get to the developing symbiotes.   
He chose pain.   
It HURT,   
But he tore out his fuel tank with his own knives  
And he got up  
And he killed the one responsible  
And he walked away. 

He's shown it before, time after time.   
He gets up.   
He walks away.   
He does not stay down. 

Until he does.   
This time, it's not because of wounds.   
Not entirely.   
He doesn't get back up  
Because this time  
It was his lord who hurt him  
And he can't bring himself to get back up  
When his world has just crashed down  
And he has been betrayed by the only mech he trusted.   
He hurts.   
Not just his body.   
His very spirit hurts.   
Every fiber of his being hurts.   
He doesn't know how to get up any more.   
He just can't.  
Not yet.   
Later.   
Maybe.   
Maybe he'll get up again.   
But for now  
He's just going to lay here  
And hurt.

**Author's Note:**

> Three separate ideas put together for ease of reading/tagging/etc. These were plotbunnies that swam up out of the bathtub drain in order to grab me.  
> You can suggest tags.  
> Reviews, please?


End file.
